I just don’t know where to start. My hair is getting longer, my days are getting lonelier. School is getting closer, and I am growing more unprepared.
I really don’t know how I’m going to manage 40 hours a week AND two classes. I know it doesn’t seem like much. But each class is 3 hours long. And I’ll be in class 4 days a week. Overall, I’ll be spending 52 hours per week just going going going. My dad has basically set a move-out date for me. He said I can stay one more year, but after that, he wants me at a university and basically out of his hair.
Jonathan’s parents are pushing him to propose to me. I really don’t know what to take of that. I know he’s not going to. He knows I refuse to make any commitment until I’m at least in my senior year of college. Considering I’m still “technically” a freshman, we’ve got another three years to go. A three years I don’t know if we can last, because we break up every other day.
I really need a beach vacation. I want to go away with bailey. And I also want to go away with Jonathan. But I want them to be separate. I want my girl time, and I want my boy time. I don’t get to have much girl time, and I’m afraid I might be developing the habits of boys. I EVEN PICK MY NOSE WHILE DRIVING. It mostly has a lot to do with my nose ring and the fact that it makes my nose whistle when I’m breathing, and I’m usually trying to rearrange things in there to make it stop whistling, but I’m pretty sure it still counts as picking my nose.
I really really want to have a baby. I really want it to hurry up and be three years from now, so that I can be worrying about things like settling down with someone (whether it’s Jonathan, or someone I may meet in the future) and starting a family. Because I can feel it all the way in my bones that I am emotionally and physically ready to be a housewife and a mother. It’s the strangest feeling. I find myself actually getting jealous of the young couples who come in to get prescriptions filled for their newborns. I think to myself “Why can’t that be me right now?”
I know, it sounds psycho and weird. I just really want to have a baby. But not yet. Not on a $280 a week pay. With a boyfriend who can’t even hold a job. And a whole three + years of college ahead of me.
What I really need to do is sit down and study for this National Certification exam I’m taking next month so I can get my $2 raise, and start to plan my nursing degree, considering the school I’m currently attending has a 3 year waitlist on the nursing program, I’m probably going to have to transfer again.
To be honest, I don’t even care about making anything of myself. I think I’d just be happy cooking and cleaning at home all day and picking the kids up from preschool. I’ve seriously considered just getting a degree in business or something and starting my own maid service type thing and just cleaning houses for a living. I like to clean. Another psycho weird thing about me.
It doesn’t matter what I want to do though, because my dad has already made that decision for me.
He’s also taking me out of his will if I marry Jonathan. It’s in writing in his will that if I marry Jonathan before/after he dies, I get absolutely nothing from him. Which hurts me a lot. It makes me wonder that when the day finally comes that Jonathan grows up and has a career and is capable of supporting me and a family, and we decide that we’re ready to get married, if he would even walk me down the aisle. My dad really is the type to hold grudges. If he doesn’t like someone in the beginning, or they do something he doesn’t like, there is no changing his opinion of them ever, no matter what changes or how many things they do right. It’s not fair.
